Thursday, December 30, 2010

In 2011 I promise to :
 "listen to me a bit more"-as wise intelligent said, rock a vegetarian diet, develop a regular yoga routine, breathe more/ release more,continue to learn to love myself, leave nicotine in the past, swear less-thus improving my vocabulary, continue to develop the necessary skills to help Emery along his path, accept that Emery will surpass and know more than I could ever fathom as a possibility- he will kill it ( he already is), give more out into the universe, harness more abundance in my life and KNOW I DESERVE it, stop living out of fear and dare to confront that which scares me,  continue to grow as a person, wife, mother, friend, employee, sister, daughter, aunt,teacher, leader, student, seeker, and knower.

Note to self~when you first arrived you loved yourself...This will be my mantra.
My last promise to 2011 is that in the title line of each post there will be an inspirational thought, quote, or URL.

I Love you all
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Saturday, December 25, 2010

This boi makes the hardened edges of my heart soften.
I interact with him and I continually strive to be the best me...
for you to be the best you...


Thanks again 2010.
It has been a lesson as all years are but this year, I really feel as though I have expanded.
I 've continued to question and release, learn and inform, and just push everything to the edge of what is good and righteous to me and mine.
I have so far to go but I have come from a space I would never dream of reentering.

The Universe is good and the continual flow that is amazing!

I believe the concept I need to work on and have strong focus with is the pattern of  "you get what you give".
This was not taught to me-which a lot of thinks weren't/ or is it that I can't remember.

Thank You to All that Have been there for me through out the cycles, I love you ALL.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Your healing task is not to become a new, improved, or changed person. Rather, it is to heal into the present by reclaiming your natural and essential self in all it's fullness. In the very beginning, you loved yourself.

Monday, December 13, 2010

The cycles that we play in each others lives is maddening at times....
We are all in the cypher rotating around each other, so damn close.
I get so tired of the drain and game-the tug and pull- the one up me type bullshit.


This to shall pass and I need to identify that at times there is nothing to do but wait.
Breathe in the struggle  (you know you can hang) and breathe out (the purest white healing light).

Learn to dance in the storm.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Thursday, December 2, 2010


I had a dream last night that I was really sick (along with an ex of mine-who after 17 years I'm still uneasy with in my head, let alone us holding the same physical space).

There was a man there who was going to help us with the sickness by injecting some medication into our inner ears, this medication would kill us.

The injection was so vivid and I remember it not hurting at all and being happy, then contemplating and understanding death was about to not hurt at all either and I was really happy and relaxed. The Ex feel into a slumber and died as I watched wondering why I wasn't dying yet....

Did I get the same injection? Was there someone else's plan working through me?

Then my dad rolled up to check on me and make sure  I was safe and we drive off together....

R.I.P. Dad
ENJOY the spacelessness.
We ALL will be there ONE day.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

No one ever told us this was easy...If the did they LIED.

To do it right means being pushed to your edges. Adaptation.

I know when I see it done in a way I would NEVER have dreamt.


My heart aches for those victims whose situations were caused by negative self esteem-STRESS.
I am making the choice to never mirror that!


Sunday, November 14, 2010

The force is always with him,
I just try to hang out as close as I can.
I use him as a barometer,
he helps with the direction once I let go .
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Friday, November 12, 2010

Moving forward.
when the space opens for healing and progress
activation must take place
It is etheral.

Wondering around in this plane,
this space/ feeling/ motivation/ windhorse
is what quenches my desire.

It always comes on time.

Thank You.

I Love You ALL

Friday, November 5, 2010

My family...

I never imagined it would be sooo fucking sweet...

I breathe in ... all the pain of the human experience...
I breathe out....wanting nothing more than the highest...
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Wednesday, November 3, 2010

32 cyles

I have cycled 32 times around the earth. I am not sure it is getting any easier.
I didn't come here for the ease and luxuries of life on earth I came to experience the contrast this place has to offer.
I offer up a new layer to be stripped away each year where innocent flesh is exposed to elements  teaching me more about where I need to grow, let go, love, and forgive. This cycle is starting off intense.

I feel I will have a long life on this earth unlike my father.
Today is his funeral and I guess I realized I am unsure of the edict one must have at attending a parents funeral. My mother is alive and well-no lessons learned there.


What about when it is all over and the people file out of the funeral home and continue on with their regular daily life....It will be like he never existed....

The Contrast. This place moves very fast.

Perhaps I will light a candle each year at the time of his death to commemorate his exiting.
10/31/10 @ 1:48am.

Friday, October 29, 2010


I love you and will let you know how special you are for the rest of my life.
It is important to me that you never question this fact.
You were wanted way before you arrived.
I could have never guessed you would be this cool.

I love you,

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Wishing there was more...

I sit here wanting to release all the hurt and  pain before it is too late.
I feel a sense of urgency to handle the scandals I hold with my father before he passes,  I fear I will somehow be chained to this pain forever.
I read, read, think, read, discuss, and think some more.

Then I remember.

We have talked, sitting on a bar stool in New London in 2001 (22).

Nervous, scared, and excited were the feelings I remember having sitting there with a stranger that was once my daddy.

I told him how I felt.
How bad it hurt that I didn't have him in my life as a young woman.

The alcohol was flowing and my emotions were escalating as the conversation plunged into discussions that only souls know how to interpret. It was as if we unplugged and the universe took over.

I can only remember small amounts that night -which is VERY inconvenient for me at this point as I grasp at straws to make sense of the situation. I would LOVE  to have remembered  that conversation.

We were separated again until 4/09 (31)  when there was a call made to all who was forgotten by  Lee that he had terminal cancer of the lung and brain.


Monday, October 25, 2010

Learning more than I ever thought I needed to

Linda's 50th surprise birthday party was the setting for this turn of unfortunate events. The phone call came to me from our Aunt Jenny, "your dad is in really bad shape and is predicted to have only a couple of days left, if that".

I hang up the phone and decide that I need to say something to my sisters but hopefully not ruin my mom's party with this news. We decide that we will continue with the plan as we set it up prior, we will visit with Lee on Saturday arriving at noon. (This was expected to be our last visit with this man.)

The sisters try to keep it together but the info leaks to Linda and now the water works starts. Fuck. This was her party-the woman who held us together for all the years while that man abandoned us.

He left us sitting on the porch dressed in our best gear all day, waiting, waiting, waiting for nothing. Broken promises and lies. "I am about 1/2 hour away. I'll be there soon. Be ready" and "I just got this brand new car for u I am driving it down now, Happy 16th Birthday"!

"Are YOU ready now MOTHERFUCKER?"-is what the voice in my mind keeps repeating when I think of this period in my life. I was 9 years old and my sisters where 7 and 5 when he left. Linda would bring us our lunch and dinner as we sat on the porch at the house that was on that dead end street. There was no way he could pass us and miss us. Then with many tears it was time for bed. The day ended and disappointment encompassed our hearts squeezing the breath out of us until we woke up more hardened the next day.

I know that all humans are born innately good and situations can drive the kindest folks mad. My best homegirl  said to me a couple of days ago,  "we are all one experience away from being institutionalized for a mental illness". I believe this is what happened to Lee. I am unsure of what exactly it was the the triggered him, perhaps it was the death of his only son, being tired of being a father, wanting a break from the pressure, mental illness, or the death of his father.


It happened and the deep scaring has occurred for several people in this guys life.

Seeing you lie dead on that hospice bed pumping your Morphine drip with your NEW family surrounding you as we are a distant memory is heavy upon my heart and mind.

I miss who I thought and hoped you were. I always had a heroic story line set that you could play out to save the day. Though it NEVER materialized with your OG family.

I MUST find comfort in the fact that your NEW family confirms the images I always hoped to enact with you. They state, "Lee was always so kind and giving", "he did everything for anyone", and " he was the best father figure anyone could have asked for...". I am glad that people are able to speak kindly upon you in your last days.

I am glad that we had the chance to see the whole picuture and to know the truth.

Thank You for my Beautiful Body.
Thank You for my Wonderful Sisters.
Thank You for all the Life Lessons.
Thnak You for the chance to play out expressions I will never do with anyone else.
Thank You for enabling me to feel my heart truely.
Thank You for helping me learn more about the human experience.
Thank You for all the other things I am forgetting right now.....


Wednesday, June 9, 2010


The more you breathe the more you release...
This is a concept that I have taped to my computer so i will not forget to breathe.ever.
I notice myself gasping at moments looking for the exchange to happen.
Breathe Breathe Breathe

Saturday, June 5, 2010


being me...
I wonder what it is like to be someone else and is that someone else wondering as I am?
I have to back away from the edge I am holding on to...
I am not sure where the strength is coming from to continually grasp at the crumbling surface for sooo long....i am surely slipping
I need to honor and accept the time and energy it takes to heal oneself from hanging groundless for what feels like forever.
I have my son and wonderful husband to thank for all the inner work that endlessly unfolds in my mind.
I am eternally grateful
I love you both more than you will ever know!