Monday, October 25, 2010

Learning more than I ever thought I needed to

Linda's 50th surprise birthday party was the setting for this turn of unfortunate events. The phone call came to me from our Aunt Jenny, "your dad is in really bad shape and is predicted to have only a couple of days left, if that".

I hang up the phone and decide that I need to say something to my sisters but hopefully not ruin my mom's party with this news. We decide that we will continue with the plan as we set it up prior, we will visit with Lee on Saturday arriving at noon. (This was expected to be our last visit with this man.)

The sisters try to keep it together but the info leaks to Linda and now the water works starts. Fuck. This was her party-the woman who held us together for all the years while that man abandoned us.

He left us sitting on the porch dressed in our best gear all day, waiting, waiting, waiting for nothing. Broken promises and lies. "I am about 1/2 hour away. I'll be there soon. Be ready" and "I just got this brand new car for u I am driving it down now, Happy 16th Birthday"!

"Are YOU ready now MOTHERFUCKER?"-is what the voice in my mind keeps repeating when I think of this period in my life. I was 9 years old and my sisters where 7 and 5 when he left. Linda would bring us our lunch and dinner as we sat on the porch at the house that was on that dead end street. There was no way he could pass us and miss us. Then with many tears it was time for bed. The day ended and disappointment encompassed our hearts squeezing the breath out of us until we woke up more hardened the next day.

I know that all humans are born innately good and situations can drive the kindest folks mad. My best homegirl  said to me a couple of days ago,  "we are all one experience away from being institutionalized for a mental illness". I believe this is what happened to Lee. I am unsure of what exactly it was the the triggered him, perhaps it was the death of his only son, being tired of being a father, wanting a break from the pressure, mental illness, or the death of his father.


It happened and the deep scaring has occurred for several people in this guys life.

Seeing you lie dead on that hospice bed pumping your Morphine drip with your NEW family surrounding you as we are a distant memory is heavy upon my heart and mind.

I miss who I thought and hoped you were. I always had a heroic story line set that you could play out to save the day. Though it NEVER materialized with your OG family.

I MUST find comfort in the fact that your NEW family confirms the images I always hoped to enact with you. They state, "Lee was always so kind and giving", "he did everything for anyone", and " he was the best father figure anyone could have asked for...". I am glad that people are able to speak kindly upon you in your last days.

I am glad that we had the chance to see the whole picuture and to know the truth.

Thank You for my Beautiful Body.
Thank You for my Wonderful Sisters.
Thank You for all the Life Lessons.
Thnak You for the chance to play out expressions I will never do with anyone else.
Thank You for enabling me to feel my heart truely.
Thank You for helping me learn more about the human experience.
Thank You for all the other things I am forgetting right now.....


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