Wishing there was more...

I sit here wanting to release all the hurt and  pain before it is too late.
I feel a sense of urgency to handle the scandals I hold with my father before he passes,  I fear I will somehow be chained to this pain forever.
I read, read, think, read, discuss, and think some more.

Then I remember.

We have talked, sitting on a bar stool in New London in 2001 (22).

Nervous, scared, and excited were the feelings I remember having sitting there with a stranger that was once my daddy.

I told him how I felt.
How bad it hurt that I didn't have him in my life as a young woman.

The alcohol was flowing and my emotions were escalating as the conversation plunged into discussions that only souls know how to interpret. It was as if we unplugged and the universe took over.

I can only remember small amounts that night -which is VERY inconvenient for me at this point as I grasp at straws to make sense of the situation. I would LOVE  to have remembered  that conversation.

We were separated again until 4/09 (31)  when there was a call made to all who was forgotten by  Lee that he had terminal cancer of the lung and brain.

I WISH YOU WOULD HAVE KNOWN ME...
I WISH I COULD HAVE KNOW YOU BETTER...

I WISH WE COULD HAVE AT LEAST BEEN FRIENDS...